Voices

February 8, 2012

I had a dream last night.

I had a sad dream last night. 

At first it seemed normal… I was just snacking in our dorm room with marley, and then I got a stomach ache. A terrible stomach ache. I couldn’t finish my paper that was due tomorrow.  I was crouched over in such intolerable pain I could barely tell marley what was going on.  The moment I told her the core of my body had such intense pain, she called my parents. I passed out and I woke up in my room at home.  I saw Katherine, and she looked at me like she was seeing a ghost. I asked her what was wrong. She said I was going to die soon.  I asked her why, and she told me it was because in college I had continued to eat a certain type of rice that never left my body.  It just dried out the inside of me and stayed there until I finally felt it a few weeks ago..I had been knocked out in my bed for a long time.

When she told me I was going to die, I was not upset. “Oh…well okay then.”

Katherine was taken aback and sat on my bed. She thought that I was acting weird.  She said “I dont want you to die. That’s awful. Please don’t go. You only have a few hours.”  My parents walked in with glazed eyes and I could feel their heavy hearts on my shoulders.  I still don’t know why I wasn’t upset, too.  My dad picked me up and soon we were in my backyard… I was lying on the grass, and I couldn’t get up.  Butterflies danced around the air around my face and my mom said they were wishing me well. She said that she could always tell I was respected by all things living.  My backyard filled up with my friends: gwynne, marley, becky, marissa, favio, tereasa, raynil, rebecca, raynil, anisha, angelica, becca, hannah even ian. 

Ian told me he wasn’t mad at me anymore. I asked him why couldn’t he have told me that before? I was always going to die, so why wait until I am about to?

My friends cried and cried. I asked: Why does this have to be sad? We all go at some time.  This is my turn.

Then rebecca asked where jayne was. She wasn’t there. I was supposed to die in a few short hours, but she wasn’t there. I closed my eyes and I couldn’t hear anything at all.  A while later, I saw the fuzzy silhouette of jayne.  She smirked and stepped to the side. My grandma was right behind her.

then I died.

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I wrote this in a word document on my computer on February 8th the morning after having a series of odd dreams.  This one stood out to me.  I reread it and I still can’t figure out how I feel about it.  I’ve come to one conclusion— maybe I’ve been listening to Lana Del Rey’s Born to Die a bit too much.  But there is still something about it that gives me chills.

Something else about this dream is… it’s dated. I’m happy it is.  I know now that Ian would not wait to forgive me.  Now I know he would come around and I can recognize that this internal anxiety can blossom into hope, for now I think there will be better days to come concerning him.  
I’m happy for that.